Some things have changed

Allen and I are giving this a shot. <3
It was mostly his idea, I thought we were done.

I have a beautiful BEAUTIFUL amazing magical awesome baby girl. She's 4 months and she's a blast.

You truthfully have no idea what love is until you have children. It's overwhelming and big and fluffy...

Also, I live in Savannah. Allen, Emma and I live in a cozy apartment and we're doing well. I'm not going to pretend we have everything we want or anything, but we have everything we need.
Allen, as it turns out, is a great dad and a great help. He helps me one million times more than I thought he ever would. I just thought men had the predisposition to keep a distance from women and their babies.
Allen is different.

I'm grateful for his care and COULD NOT do this on my own (babies, amazing as they may be, are also a DISASTER when they want to be).

As far as Allen and I?
We are doing very well. I still have my demons and I think he knows that. It's going to take some time until we can get back to they way we were before. He knows I have serious trust issues with him and he knows that it's going to have to take time. Meanwhile, I still think about how I felt and how alone I was last winter/spring...
I get so angry and upset. He understands and he has apologized and admitted his mistakes and done pretty much all he can do.
It's all in me now, but I'm only human.

What else?
Barack Obama is now our president (elect).
I'm way to cynical to believe in ANYONE anymore, but I honestly hopes he prevails. It's only fair.

I'm writing this at 4am because I had coffee way too late last night.
Allen wants to go to a play tonight but I have anxiety about leaving the baby with one of my friends. It's not that I don't trust them, I just...
I'VE NEVER LEFT HER WITH NON-FAMILY BEFORE.

I knew this day would come. I just have to know everything will be fine.

... O_O

I'm so tired of being round.

Let's all pray, plead or perform a sacrafice (you know, whatever you're into) so that this baby decides to pop out sometime in the next two weeks.

There's a full moon on the 18th. I wouldn't mind having her then.

What I DON'T want is to wait until my "estimated due date" on the 28th.

I guess I just can't wait to meet this little girl. She's been my whole world since I knew about her existence and I'd like to show her how much I already love her.

My hospital bag is packed, Allen's bag is packed (a nice masculine black bag :) ) and all I need now is steady regular contractions or the breaking of my waters. Everytime I get a painful cramp I get so excited! How backwards is that?

I'm moving down to Savannah with Allen after she arrives. We have an apartment where his mom manages and I'm looking forward to having my own space again, away from my mothers rule. Although I worry about leaving her and Ashley again. And I stress myself out just thinking about leaving them. I wish I knew they'll be okay.

I have to try to focus on making a great life for this baby, though. I must move on so that I can live my life and help them live a better one later on.
I'm leaving home (again) so that I can come back some day and rescue them. (That thought makes me feel a lot better about leaving)

I have a clinic appointment tomorrow. Let's hope they surprise me with "you're already 3 cm dilated!!"

v_v I wish.

I try not to hang on every word

but it's damn near impossible when I'm hugely skeptical of everything I see, read, hear, etc.

I can't just accept, I've got to really think about why and how people say what they say.

And there's always a reason. No one just says something "just because." They have thought about it and decided to say that one particular sentence or phrase.

But really, only women think this way... I mean, if there is any other woman who is like me in this regard. Men don't think. They are another species all together. But it doesn't matter if they don't think about what they're going to say, once they say it, it's my job to analyze it and discover what he truly wants, means, etc.

Some men are more in tune with the sentimental, thoughtful side of the cognitive process, I think. Allen, for example, is a lot more sensitive than say... Wade. Well, no... Wade was a big teddy bear, truly. Allen is more sensitive than Bryan. Bryan was more of a guy-guy, while Allen is more... more... girl-guy...? No, that's not what I mean.

Allen will let me know how he feels and might even cry with me when he's really into it. I think I'm just typing what I think at this point. I usually write things down but then my wrists start hurting and now this way, just my fingers hurt! It's a win win.
Allen is not a girl-guy. If not for his silly antics of the past 9 months, he seems to be in a perfect balance between "Guy-who-will-defend-me-and-be-my-man" and "I-just-want-to-cuddle-and-hold-you-forever."

Seemingly, he might even be sweeter and softer than I am. I can be a real bitch to him. Especially these days... but I'm still really angry and he knows that. He's been patient and so far, he hasn't given up on me (again.)

Ugh. I roll my eyes. I hate how much he ruined things for us, but truthfully,

I think he's starting to build on a steady foundation again.
Steady, not perfect.

I know this much, no matter what he does from here on out, he can NEVER hurt me like he did before.
No one can.

:)

I'm thinking about having Emma naturally... like, no drugs...
...

...

No, I'll probably stick the epidual in myself.

I AM hard to please!

 Is it so wrong to want to feel like I am the queen of your world?

I don't think so.
and I expect nothing less.

So yes, I may be hard to please but it is totally worth the effort. And he should know.

We stayed at the Westin in downtown Atlanta on Wednesday and some of Thursday. It was nice to be away from home for a little bit but the Westin is truthfully overrated and overpriced.

Next time I'll stick with the Holiday Inn where most things are complimentary with your stay.
:)

We hung out downtown. It was hot, humid, sweaty and did I mention we're walking everywhere? And here I am, pregnant woman walking at lest three blocks at a time.
Ouch for me, not so much for Allen.
I think I was dragging him down, I can't wait to have energy again.

It was fun, but I always want more.
Unsatisfied Leslie.

I won't be happy until he gets on his knees in public and means every word he says. What words, you may ask? Any, as long as they're heartfelt and totally sincere.

I'll write about it when that day comes.

Until then, wish me luck on my last home stretch towards motherhood!

I wonder if he'll ever see this.

 He called me yesterday. For no reason. He's been doing that a lot lately and I think it's sweet.

We talk about his day, and my day...
and what we're going to do when I spend those six weeks in Savannah with him. He's so excited about taking me to places once I'm there, too excited to realize that we won't be able to go to those places without the baby.

I always have to gently remind him that If I'm going to be nursing, I won't be able to leave her anywhere for more than a couple of hours at a time.
We're doing well so far.

We choose not to get worked up about little things and when we talk about everything that has happened, we try to be as calm as possible. It's very hard to be calm when I tell him how everything around me was in ruins a few months ago. He tries his best to understand that I don't see myself trusting him or fogiving him for December, January and February. He understands that it's going to be very difficult for me to get into a relationship with anyone, especially him.

But I know he's trying to win me back. I know he's attempting to "court" me like we just met. I know he wants to mend everything but it's just not enough.
It's tough because he's being wonderful, it's tough because I love him, but to forgive him...? It's not in me.

I have too many horrible memories, lots of great ones but too many bad ones.

And the six weeks after Emma is born are going to be a test of how well we work with each other with one element thrown in: A baby girl.
I told him that if I still LIKE him after those weeks, we've done pretty well. I told him that I'm afraid of how difficult it's going to be, of how stressed out and tired we're going to be, of how much we'll argue...

If we can make it through those weeks and he still wants to be with me, then we can talk about our future together. And if we decide that being together is something we're going to commit to (especially him) then it's going to be a long and tough road ahead of us. But it will be worth it because Emma will have a Mom and a Dad that love each other and that's truly the most basic necessity she is entitled to.